Drowning

So this is what it feels like?!?   I’m not sure what “IT” is… depression, drowning, desolation, misery, the “blahs”, etc.…  All I know is I don’t like “IT.”

It’s been six weeks since Kate’s diagnosis and nearly six weeks since Kate was born…six weeks since the longest and shortest 26 hours of my life…six weeks since one of the happiest moments of my life, the birth of my daughter; and the saddest moment to date, her death.

The past six weeks have been busy…busy with plans, busy with family, busy with travel, busy with friends, just busy!  Things have now quieted down a bit and we’re entering the quiet doldrums of the ‘moving on’ stage.   The problem is I feel that in ‘moving on’ I have turned into Alice in Wonderland and fallen down the rabbit hole into a place where nothing is as it should be. 

Every day people either mundanely or meaningfully ask, “How are you?”

I’m NOT okay.  I finally realized this was the case when I could no longer say the affirmative, “I’m okay” without tearing up.  It doesn’t matter if my mom asks me or the check-out person at the grocery store…I just can’t say it anymore...I’m no longer okay.  I’ve been confused for a few days wondering why I’m just now feeling this way?  Why am I now, six weeks later feeling like my fingers are letting go from the cliff one by one and I’m freefalling downward?  Why did it take this long?  I expect that the nearing and passing of Kate’s due date has had much to do with the arrival of this stage of the grief process.  Her due date was Sunday (11/4)…she should be here in my arms…she’s not and she won’t ever be. 

Not only do I feel like I’m falling into a dark, cold hole I feel like I’m turning into a different person…a person who is more negative, irritable, flooded by sadness and sees sad situations everywhere and dwells on them instead of recognizing the sadness and searching for the positive or the silver lining.  Sometimes I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person I see.  This is not the person I was or am used to being.  I knew that this experience/situation would change me in many ways, but I don’t like these changes and I hope they are not permanent.  This is not the person I want to be moving forward. 

I feel like I’m battling and being knocked and beaten down on so many fronts and I’m starting to get angry about it.  I’m angry that my body has been wrecked; I’m angry that this situation is affecting some of my friendships; I’m angry that I no longer walk past the girl section in Target and smile…now I hurry past and try not to cry; I’m angry at the pregnant woman I saw smoking the other day; I’m angry that my sweet pink nursery is empty; I’m angry that the hopes, dreams and visions I had for Kate will never be realized; I’m angry that I’m so vulnerable and fragile right now (that’s a very foreign feeling to me)… I’m angry!

When I step back, I acknowledge that these feelings and changes are all part of the grieving process, and even though I don’t like it I’m probably right were I need to be…in the trenches, drowning in grief.  As the children’s book (Going on a Bear Hunt) says… “We can’t go over it.  We can’t go under it.  Oh no!  We’ve got to go THROUGH it!”  I know that’s the way it is with the grieving process too.  I don’t like it, but I know that I have to work through it in order to find a resolution. 

As dark as I feel and as sad as my situation is I can think of so many ways it could be worse…

• What if I did not have two sweet and adorable kids to help me get up every morning?  That would be worse.
• What if Kate died in utero?  That would be worse.
• What if she died in surgery and I never had the chance to snuggle her, even just once?  That would be worse.
• What if I had no support group to help me through this impossible time?  That would be worse.

I’m trying to hold on to a little of the ‘old me’ and find some slender and tenuous rays of positive light.

What if?... 

What if blessings come through raindrops?

What if healing comes through tears?

What if trials of this life are mercies in disguise?

I heard this song on the radio the other day and stopped the car to listen.

I know I will make it out of the rabbit hole, out of the trenches, out of the darkness.  I know I will eventually be okay.  I also know that there is something/s good and lasting and meaningful that will come from this experience and Kate’s death.  I know she will make difference somehow and that is helping me struggle to keep my head above water.

While I so wish someone could throw me a life raft I know I must keep treading water on my own for now…

Infant Loss Resources

I sincerely hope that none of you ever need the resources, links or materials listed below, but I have come to find out infant loss is much more common than I ever knew or imagined.  Whether it's miscarriage, stillbirth or infant death, you or someone you know may find some of the resources below helpful.

www.Heavensgain.com

Heaven's Gain specializes in providing small baby caskets and burial products for families suffering the loss of a child through miscarriage, stillbirth, or preemie death.

This website has a variety of hard to find products and resources for families suffering an infant loss of all stages.  It was recommended to us by a friend and was very helpful.  The owners of the company are a couple who suffered an infant loss and noticed a significant void of products for infant death an burial. 

We were gonna have a baby, but we had an angel instead.

The hospital sent us home with a dozen books both for me and Matt and for the boys.  Telling Carter about Kate and processing with him was heartbreaking and tremendously hard; however, this book made it so much easier.  We have read it over and over as a family.  I really love that it validates his feelings of sadness, explains that mommy and daddy cry sometimes, but also shows the angel baby on every page symbolizing that he/she is still with the family.  Matt and I plan to purchase numerous copies of this book to donate back to the hospital as well as to our local libraries...it's that good.

This is the first book I have read about infant loss (I have three others waiting in the wings), but I must say so far this one has hit the spot.  It is an easy and quick read, very conversational in nature with tons of interviews from mothers who have experienced some type of loss.  On nearly ever page it reflects and justifies what I am feeling and experiencing.  

*As I read the other books I'll post and comment on them too.

My good friend and neighbor gave me this book and I absolutely LOVE it!  It's a small book and a quick read...just a few minutes, but the comfort and hope that comes with reading it has been such a blessing!

I can smile when I read this book instead of cry!









A Bereaved Parent's Wish List:  http://www.ohiocops.com/grief/wishlist.html

The Grieving Person's Bill of Rights:  http://www.beneficialliving.com/assets/files/BillA.pdf

Blessings

In the midst of a very sad and difficult situation Matt and I have found some comfort and peace in numerous blessings…blessings that Kate has given us and many others.

Reconnecting

--Social media is both a blessing and a curse!  Many of us get sucked in to Facebook and Twitter spending countless hours posting and checking status updates and/or photos (either of our kids or the latte we had that morning).  I was later than most to join the Facebook craze and am still resisting Twitter, much to my husband’s dismay. Over the past two years I have enjoyed reconnecting with childhood and high school friends electronically; however, I have been floored at the expansive web of connection and reconnection Kate has woven for Matt and me over the past six weeks.  I can’t even begin to list all of the friends, family, fraternity brothers, former students, cohorts, colleagues, friends of friends, parents of friends, etc. that have sought us out to share kind and loving words of support and shared grief.  The vast majority of these connections would not have been possible or made without Facebook.  Thank you Mark Zuckerberg!  (In the very same breath the concurrent and continuous stream of normal, everyday, sometimes meaningless posts and status updates is a cruel reminder that my world has stopped while everyone else’s world continues to turn unchanged.  That rant however, is for another day.)

--We not only reconnected with friends electronically, but personally as well!  The weekend of Kate’s service was filled with high highs and low lows.  Among the highs was the time spent with friends, neighbors and family that traveled from near and far to prop us up with love and support.  Our former neighbors flew in from South Carolina and some of our greatest friends drove down from Columbia.  My best friends from high school flew in from Nashville and Phoenix.  Our best friends from college drove down and our cousins from Chicago made the trip south.  (All of my bridesmaids made the trip…man did I feel the love!)  Finally, our great friends, The Juliano Family, came from Orlando and Rev. David granted us the honor of conducting Kate’s service (it was just as special having him perform Kate's memorial service as it was him conducting our wedding ceremony).  While we all hated to be brought together given the circumstances it was so great to be TOGETHER!  We had been trying get some of our friends to visit Naples for seven years…who would have thought it would take a tiny, beautiful baby girl to make it happen.  YEA KATE! J

Realizing

The Tuesday after Matt and I came home from the hospital we were outside visiting with some of our WONDERFUL neighbors when one of my mommy-friends looks at me and said, “I gave my notice at work yesterday.  I just can’t do it anymore!  After everything that happened with Kate I want…I NEED to stay home with my little guy.  Time passes too quickly and life’s too short.”  This sweet friend had been talking about cutting back to part-time or not working for a while, but the right situation/opportunity never seemed to present itself for her to make the switch.  Kate gave her the little push she needed to take a leap and do what she really wanted to do.  YEA KATE! J

Being Together (This is my favorite YEA KATE story!)

As I mentioned earlier, the circumstances for being brought together were difficult, but in my family it is always great to be together!

Very soon after Kate’s death Matt and I were making arrangements for travel and her memorial and quickly realized that for the first time since Carter’s baptism all of our immediate family will be together.  Baptism…we had not had Ben baptized because we wanted both of our families present and didn’t want anyone to feel left out but didn’t want to ask either group to make the long trip north or south.  It’s very true that the first born is either privileged to (or subjected to depending on how you look at it) all of the pomp and circumstance that comes with being “the first” while the second born often gets the scraps and sloppy seconds.  The time just never felt “right” to baptize Ben…until our Florida trip for Kate’s service. 

David & Matt

Matt and I had asked our friend Rev. David Juliano to perform Kate’s service and he loving agreed.  David was also our absolute top choice to baptize Ben…everything was falling into place!   Before our trip we called our parents and floated by them the idea of a small, private, casual beach baptismal ceremony…they loved it!  David was excited and even said he was breaking out his holy water a parishioner brought back from the River Jordan. 

On Thursday my family was at my parents house for dinner.  It was a beautiful Florida evening.  Matt, my brother Rob, and my Uncle Bob were sitting outside talking about the events of the past weeks as well as those of the days to come.  Rob (new father to 6-month-old Austin) piped up and said, “Nikki and I feel much the same as you and Betsy do…we don’t want to have Austin baptized without everyone together.  How would feel…would it be okay if we had Austin baptized with Ben tomorrow evening?!?”  I wasn’t there, but I can picture the smile that spread across Matt’s face…of course it was okay!  It was better than okay!  Nothing could make us happier, until… My Uncle Bob (another second born) raised his hand and said, “Me too?!?”  I had no idea, but my uncle was the product of ‘second-child syndrome’ and was never baptized.  At this point Matt couldn’t stand it and came running in to tell me about the fantastic developments!  I skipped outside with a happy heart and tears in my eyes shouting “YEA KATE!”

*(A bit of an important back story… My brother is Carter’s godfather and while we were meeting with the pastor before Carter’s baptism Rob, second born who had not been baptized, asked the pastor to baptize him along with Carter.  That day was doubly special for our family!)  Here again, we were getting ready for a multi-generational SUPER-special baptism!

The Friday evening before Kate's service, three families and a very few close friends gathered on the beach in khaki shorts, sun dresses and bare feet.  David donned his pastoral robes and poured Holy water over my son’s, nephew’s and uncle’s heads.  We all celebrated with a beach picnic of fried chicken and fruit while the kids played in the water and we watched a beautiful sunset…it was perfect!  YEA KATE!

Knowing and Feeling…Empathy

The most recent blessing Kate has given us is understanding and empathy.  In a former post I wrote, “We’ve received lots of teary-eyed hugs with the comment, “We/I don’t know what to say!”  You know what…that’s okay!  I’m glad people don’t know what to say because that would mean they know what we are feeling from experience and we are so glad that is not the case.  We hope people can share their sympathy and not empathy."

While I hoped it would never ever happen, someone we know and love has/is experiencing a difficult situation that was initially somewhat similar to ours with Kate.  I have shared a tiny bit of empathy.  Our good friends, Neil and Tracie Kennedy, unexpectedly delivered their son, Cooper at 30.5 weeks.  He was blue and not breathing when he was born and in the first days of his life his parents faced many heart wrenching scares.   *(He is doing much better and continues to improve as I write this.) 

In the first hours/days after Cooper was born I spent time sitting with and talking to Tracie offering the love and support of a mother who knows what its like to fear for your newborn baby’s life.  We talked and cried together…each crying about our own child as well as the others.  I don’t know if I was any real help or comfort to Tracie in those early days, but I do know that had I not had my experience with Kate I would not have even known where to begin to comfort my friend.

I posted this comment on her blog:

My dear friend, 


My heart bleeds at the reality that both of our worlds have stopped...together. No two situations or experiences of maternal grief are the same...I cannot imagine your fear and I PRAY you never experience my reality. Still, there is comfort to be found in the fact that our worlds have halted side-by-side for the time being. Thankfully we can reach out from our shattered realities and grasp each other’s hand. I'm here for you...now and always. I know my sweet Kate is cheering Cooper on! :-)

Rev. David Juliano told us that because of this experience we would be different people…he was right.  Maybe Kate was preparing us to help and be better friends to Neil and Tracie.  I hope I can live up to her expectations and make her proud.  THANK YOU KATE!