In
the midst of a very sad and difficult situation Matt and I have found some
comfort and peace in numerous blessings…blessings that Kate has given us and
many others.
Reconnecting
--Social
media is both a blessing and a curse!
Many of us get sucked in to Facebook and Twitter spending countless
hours posting and checking status updates and/or photos (either of our kids or
the latte we had that morning). I was
later than most to join the Facebook craze and am still resisting Twitter, much
to my husband’s dismay. Over the past two years I have enjoyed reconnecting
with childhood and high school friends electronically; however, I have been
floored at the expansive web of connection and reconnection Kate has woven for
Matt and me over the past six weeks. I
can’t even begin to list all of the friends, family, fraternity brothers,
former students, cohorts, colleagues, friends of friends, parents of friends,
etc. that have sought us out to share kind and loving words of support and
shared grief. The vast majority of these
connections would not have been possible or made without Facebook. Thank you Mark Zuckerberg! (In the very same breath the concurrent and
continuous stream of normal, everyday, sometimes meaningless posts and status
updates is a cruel reminder that my world has stopped while everyone
else’s world continues to turn unchanged.
That rant however, is for another day.)
--We
not only reconnected with friends electronically, but personally as well! The weekend of Kate’s service was filled with
high highs and low lows. Among the highs
was the time spent with friends, neighbors and family that traveled from near
and far to prop us up with love and support.
Our former neighbors flew in from South Carolina and some of our greatest
friends drove down from Columbia. My
best friends from high school flew in from Nashville and Phoenix. Our best friends from college drove down and
our cousins from Chicago made the trip south.
(All of my bridesmaids made the trip…man did I feel the love!) Finally, our great friends, The Juliano
Family, came from Orlando and Rev. David granted us the honor of conducting
Kate’s service (it was just as special having him perform Kate's memorial service as it was him conducting our wedding ceremony).
While we all hated to be brought
together given the circumstances it was so great to be TOGETHER! We had been trying get some of our friends to
visit Naples for seven years…who would have thought it would take a tiny,
beautiful baby girl to make it happen.
YEA KATE! J
Realizing
The
Tuesday after Matt and I came home from the hospital we were outside visiting
with some of our WONDERFUL neighbors when one of my mommy-friends looks at me
and said, “I gave my notice at work yesterday.
I just can’t do it anymore! After
everything that happened with Kate I want…I NEED to stay home with my little
guy. Time passes too quickly and life’s
too short.” This sweet friend had been
talking about cutting back to part-time or not working for a while, but the
right situation/opportunity never seemed to present itself for her to make the
switch. Kate gave her the little push
she needed to take a leap and do what she really wanted to do. YEA KATE! J
Being
Together (This is my favorite YEA KATE story!)
As I
mentioned earlier, the circumstances for being brought together were difficult,
but in my family it is always great to be together!
Very
soon after Kate’s death Matt and I were making arrangements for travel and her
memorial and quickly realized that for the first time since Carter’s baptism
all of our immediate family will be together.
Baptism…we had not had Ben baptized because we wanted both of our
families present and didn’t want anyone to feel left out but didn’t want to ask
either group to make the long trip north or south. It’s very true that the first born is either
privileged to (or subjected to depending on how you look at it) all of the pomp and
circumstance that comes with being “the first” while the second born often gets
the scraps and sloppy seconds. The time
just never felt “right” to baptize Ben…until our Florida trip for Kate’s
service.
David & Matt |
Matt
and I had asked our friend Rev. David Juliano to perform Kate’s service
and he loving agreed. David was also our
absolute top choice to baptize Ben…everything was falling into place! Before our trip we called our parents and
floated by them the idea of a small, private, casual beach baptismal
ceremony…they loved it! David was
excited and even said he was breaking out his holy water a parishioner brought back
from the River Jordan.
On
Thursday my family was at my parents house for dinner. It was a beautiful Florida evening. Matt, my brother Rob, and my Uncle Bob were
sitting outside talking about the events of the past weeks as well as those of the days
to come. Rob (new father to 6-month-old
Austin) piped up and said, “Nikki and I feel much the same as you and Betsy do…we
don’t want to have Austin baptized without everyone together. How would feel…would it be okay if we had
Austin baptized with Ben tomorrow evening?!?”
I wasn’t there, but I can picture the smile that spread across Matt’s
face…of course it was okay! It was
better than okay! Nothing could make us
happier, until… My Uncle Bob (another second born) raised his hand and said,
“Me too?!?” I had no idea, but my uncle
was the product of ‘second-child syndrome’ and was never baptized. At this point Matt couldn’t stand it and came
running in to tell me about the fantastic developments! I skipped outside with a happy heart and
tears in my eyes shouting “YEA KATE!”
*(A
bit of an important back story… My brother is Carter’s godfather and while we
were meeting with the pastor before Carter’s baptism Rob, second born who had not been
baptized, asked the pastor to baptize him along with Carter. That day was doubly special for our
family!) Here again, we were getting
ready for a multi-generational SUPER-special baptism!
The Friday
evening before Kate's service, three families and a very few close friends gathered on the beach in
khaki shorts, sun dresses and bare feet.
David donned his pastoral robes and poured Holy water over my son’s,
nephew’s and uncle’s heads. We all
celebrated with a beach picnic of fried chicken and fruit while the kids played
in the water and we watched a beautiful sunset…it was perfect! YEA KATE!
Knowing and Feeling…Empathy
The
most recent blessing Kate has given us is understanding and empathy. In a former post I wrote, “We’ve received lots of teary-eyed hugs with the comment,
“We/I don’t know what to say!” You know
what…that’s okay! I’m glad people don’t
know what to say because that would mean they know
what we are feeling from experience and we are so glad that is not the
case. We hope people can share their sympathy and
not empathy."
While
I hoped it would never ever happen, someone we know and love has/is
experiencing a difficult situation that was initially somewhat similar to ours
with Kate. I have shared a tiny bit of
empathy. Our good friends, Neil and
Tracie Kennedy, unexpectedly delivered their son, Cooper at 30.5 weeks. He was blue and not breathing when he was
born and in the first days of his life his parents faced many heart wrenching
scares. *(He is doing much better and
continues to improve as I write this.)
In
the first hours/days after Cooper was born I spent time sitting with and
talking to Tracie offering the love and support of a mother who knows what its
like to fear for your newborn baby’s life. We
talked and cried together…each crying about our own child as well as the
others. I don’t know if I was any real
help or comfort to Tracie in those early days, but I do know that had I not had
my experience with Kate I would not have even known where to begin to comfort
my friend.
I
posted this comment on her blog:
My dear friend,
My heart bleeds at the reality that both of our worlds have
stopped...together. No two situations or experiences of maternal grief are the
same...I cannot imagine your fear and I PRAY you never experience my reality.
Still, there is comfort to be found in the fact that our worlds have halted
side-by-side for the time being. Thankfully we can reach out from our shattered
realities and grasp each other’s hand. I'm here for you...now and always. I
know my sweet Kate is cheering Cooper on! :-)
Rev.
David Juliano told us that because of this experience we would be different
people…he was right. Maybe Kate was
preparing us to help and be better friends to Neil and Tracie. I hope I can live up to her expectations and
make her proud. THANK YOU KATE!
Kate will always hold a special place in my mommy heart for being a blessing to me. Through her precious life, I was able to truly realize what is important in my life. She has renewed my spirit and for that I'm forever grateful!
ReplyDelete