Ramblings of a Grieving Mother

The last two weeks have been a bit like an out of body experience.  In many ways I feel like I’ve been going through the motions and just getting through the days.  I’ve been very busy taking care of things that had to be done to prepare for the coming days/week…writing obituaries, ordering a casket, telling your child’s school counselor that they have lost their sibling…things no one ever wants to have to do, but at least they have kept me busy.  Matt began teaching his classes again last week and that has successfully kept him busy too.  Busy is good.  It’s when the ‘busy’ stops that I worry about.  

Hopefully the ‘busy’ won’t ever stop… thankfully we have two energetic, funny, feisty and loving boys that keep this house BUSY most of the time!

They are my purpose and saving grace right now…I don’t know what I would do without them! (Love you Carter and Ben!)

Things have been such a blur since the Tuesday we learned of Kate's diagnosis.  Things happened so fast Matt and I have barely had time to process.  I have noticed each of us are holding onto physical things from our experiences of those five days (Tuesday thru Saturday)...  Neither Matt nor I have taken off our Baby ID hospital bracelets…neither of us have said anything to the other, but I don't think we can bring ourselves to remove them. (Since I wrote this Matt's bracelet broke off while he was sleeping...very sad.)

Matt has been carrying with him the lucky bean he had in his pocket in the delivery room (for those of you who don't know what a lucky bean is here is a photo.  

Matt has had this lucky bean for years. (My brother and I used to hunt for them as kids.  Matt and I found this one at my family's cabin woods retreat in Naples.)  Matt told me he sat the lucky bean on Kate's diaper as he talked to her in the PICU... I know that small grey bean has extra special meaning to him now.

The nights have been the most difficult for me so I have quietly found comfort in sleeping with the soft pink blanket Kate was wrapped in while in the PICU.  It smelled like her for the first few nights and now her scent has faded and been replaced by mine.

Support...

Before the craziness of the past two weeks I caught a few episodes of Matthew Perry’s new show Go On (about a support group Perry's character attends after his wife's unexpected passing)… as I begin to formulate our/my long road of dealing with loss, grief and healing I foresee the likely use of counseling and  potentially support groups.  I now have an entirely new appreciation for the show.  I wonder if the support group I may join will have any interesting, hilarious...maybe even odd characters like the group in Go On?...guess I can only hope!

Anger...

A few years ago Matt and I watched a good friend pass away from Pancreatic Cancer.  He had been married for nearly 30 years, had two boys in high school and a little less than six months from the time of his diagnosis to his passing.  I remember sitting on the couch with him talking and he was telling me how ANGRY he was with his illness and the situation.  It wasn’t fair.  Then he told me that in the past four months the most helpful and meaningful thing anyone had said or done for him was to pick him up and take him to a quiet lake near some woods.  His friend brought with her a big bag of rocks and together, without saying a word, she sat with him while he flung rocks into the water, at trees, at the ground, at anything… sat with him and just let him be ANGRY! 

I’m very aware that anger is one of the five stages of grief and I know ours will come.  We have two old sets of golf clubs in the garage that Matt was planning to cut down for the boys.  I suggested maybe we each take a set and bend them around the light post down the street!  Who knows what my anger outlet will be… 

Ramblings... 

As I said before, this blog is more of a journal outlet for me than for any other reason.  When things were happening so quickly with Kate’s situation I was afraid I would forget the days and details so I started writing them down.  Then the blog became a central and more effective way to deliver information to family and close friends.  Never did we imagine it would reach or touch so many people.

I’m not sure how I feel about continuing the blog and continuing to write and share as we move through the grieving process, but a good friend and neighbor suggested I do.  She said, “as Kate’s due date arrives, as the holidays come, etc. it will be a way for us to read and know how you’re doing... to know if you’re okay or to have a little insight into how you’re feeling and know what we might be able to do to help.”  (I/We are truly blessed to be surrounded by such incredible people and wonderful friends.)  For now I will continue blogging and sharing my ramblings, but I look forward to the day I can sign off the blog with a healing heart, remembering...never forgetting…but moving forward to the next chapter in our lives.